But he's in Africa and he's walking. I spoke to the bride and groom before the wedding and I asked the groom what he was looking for in marriage. It looks as though you’ve already said that. Why did the Mormon cross the road? 123. 60. I take that as a compliment. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. The thief still spent considerably less than his wife. 66. If you get a bad one, youâll become a philosopher. Affordable Bridesmaid Jewelry Gifts They'll Adore, Wedding Wishes: What to Write in a Wedding Card. Newborn parents wake up one morning in their honeymoon, and the man suggests, “Honey, why don’t you make us some coffee?” The wife looks confused: “But this is your task, dear.” “What? 151. “Yes, dear, it’s already dark.”. Sorry, comments are currently closed. Why did the bee get married? 179. Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that, ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes.”. I walked up the aisle and said ‘I do’. Empty comment. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”, 23. Why don’t you do that?”, Husband: “How can I? 38. Don’t worry, my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. Ad Choices. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. “My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I’m not going to miss it for anything!”. Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. 28. Firstly, I would like to say that (insert groom’s name), I’m sure everybody here today believes that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (insert bride’s name) hand in marriage. Marriage is a three-ring circus. Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade! A husband asked his wife, “What would you do if we won the lottery?” To which she replied, “I’d divorce you and take my half.”. There was an error in your submission. 36. Why can’t a vampire see his bride on the wedding day? Then we met. I’m not a yes man to my wife—when she says no, I say no. Well, (groom’s name), you can be sure that’s the very last time you will see her sweep! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with a wedding! 152. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it! 14 One-Liners That Sum Up What Marriage Is Really Like. It's TRUE! There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. You seem to be logged out. Firstly, I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. Since that's way easier said than done, we've rounded up the best jokes about marriage from around the internet. 136. Whether you're the bride or groom, a guest, or part of the wedding party, it's always good to have the audience laughing when you give a speech at a wedding. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life, 15. My son wanted to know what it means to be married. Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. 189. “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police…[put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that then!”. He and she are in the bedroom to consume the wedding night. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 47. 160. Did you hear about the newly weds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? Get ’Em Here! 41. I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he ignored me. 78. Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.- Bette MidlerWives are people who feel they don't dance enough.- Groucho MarxIn my house I'm the boss. His lost three days already. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Ann Bancroft, 83. For those of you on the bride’s side who are just getting to know (Groom’s name); here is some advice. 142. 125. I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months…. My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. 103. Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage? Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. - Oscar Wilde. I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding. Because an open casket ceremony costs more. Even the cake was in tiers. !” Before I finish, I would like (Bride and Groom names) to look at eachother in the eyes. So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response. The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of (Bride) and (Groom) thank‐you very much for the teaspoons. 196. 16. I have been Tim’s mate for 2 days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends so had to hire someone for the day. MilkSnort! I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. 138. These Jokes and One-Liners About Marriage Are Perfect for Wedding Speeches. 147. He said, “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked the bride the same question, she replied, “Coffee and turn up the AC.”. 149. “It’s everywhere in the Bible, my dear.” The husband was asked if in all those years he had ever thought of divorce. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned! They tend to last longer and are easier to replace. You don’t get into a marriage…. 48. "Marriage is essentially agreeing to share 50 percent of your ice cream forever," another lamented. There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a … “I asked my husband, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ He said, ‘Somewhere I have never been!’ I told him, ‘How about the kitchen?’ — Henny Youngman.