", "Any fool can know. Hit him with a baseball bat. Be good - and if you can't be good, be careful. Being a husband is like being a weatherman. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. It's people that give drinking a bad name. Great minds discuss ideas. ", "Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed. Live the life you love. If you were any less intelligent you would have to be watered twice a week. Make better and better mistakes until you're making the best mistakes possible. Let me make this simple: I want to be invited but I don't want to go. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? The best secrets are the ones you're let in on. ", "Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.". If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal. I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids. If I ever go missing, before calling the police, please check between my bed and the wall. The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches. I’m afraid of widths. Trying again to persuade my wife to participate in a twosome. I don't make mistakes, I take alternative decisions. Don’t you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook? Bad choices often turn into good stories. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. I’ve lost three days already. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. A sea of liquor can’t intoxicate me as much as a drop of you. I'm typically attracted to guys who look like I'll need therapy after dating them. *Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her. "The lack of money is the root of all evil.". "Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.". The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have. ", "The past cannot be changed. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. I'm too antisocial to answer the door when opportunity knocks. "A problem well stated is a problem half solved. "You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.". All power corrupts. It’s a way to achieve immortality.". Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused. "I've never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects. ", "Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. ", "Love the life you live. "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.". Today is the first day of the rest of this mess. A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. It's the funniest joke in the world. If money can’t buy you happiness why do they sell Happy Meals? ", "There's nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly. "*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book. Seeing is believing. I wish I could visit longer, but I’ve got something trivial to do. "Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.". Those who understand, teach. I'm always there when I need me. ", "Let me tell you quite bluntly that this king business has given me personally nothing but headaches. Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink. Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? If the early bird catches the worm, what about the worm? We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. Old age is always fifteen years older than you are. Everyone has a purpose in life. Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. ", "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. I don't have gray hair. ", "We are not expelling the journalists but they are free to leave whenever they want. ", "I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. ", "You cannot lead a battle if you think you look silly on a horse. ", "I have kleptomania. ", "He who conquers others is strong, he who conquers himself is mighty. ", "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'. ", "The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Red meat is not bad for you. ", "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'? It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. ", "Don't keep a man guessing for too long – he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. So study hard and be evil. I still miss my ex. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes. "The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.". The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast. My life is an open book. ", "You never achieve success unless you like what you are doing. Snore and you sleep alone. ", "I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.". ", "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. But I laugh more. I considered being a stay-at-home mom until I realized the kids would be there. I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. After all is said and done, more is said than done. The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. ", "There are no facts, only interpretations. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. ", "Debugging time increases as a square of the program’s size. Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. ", "Knowing what's right doesn't mean much unless you do what's right. So does having no medical insurance. Get those reindeers off my roof! Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming. Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit & knowing you’re shit. For good, return good. America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. ", "Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. The hardest part of dating a blind woman is getting her husband's voice right. Be safety conscious. It just develops random features. ", "The only real mistake is the one from where we learn nothing. ", "I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. "Great thinkers have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds.". I called roadside assistance, but they didn't want to hear about my problems unless it had to do with my car. ", "It is a cursed evil to any man to become as absorbed in any subject as I am in mine. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look. You're only young once, but you can be immature forever. Linux is only free if your time is worthless. ", "The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. ", "I’d rather be vaguely right than precisely wrong. "It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. *Ask him more... *Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head *Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout * *Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. I got myself into this, and I’ll get myself even deeper into this. I'm not asocial, I just don't want to associate with idiots. Opportunities can never be lost, only seized by someone else. Don’t forget that tonight you’re closer to death than you were this morning. Dark humor is like love - not everyone gets it. Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so. If you know a one-liner that’s not in the collection, please send it to me. ", "I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ", "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. Let he without typos, cast the first store. Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter. Guess. ", "It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. If you're not having fun, then you're not doing it right. ", "A leader leads by example not by force. You will be a winner today. Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Then I took a second look. "You laugh at me because I'm different. Women are like bacon. The road to a friends house is never long. ", "By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment. ", "Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. You’re in a serious relationship when both members are wearing sweatpants. Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. ", "Don't mistake activity for achievement. ", "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly. ", "Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. ", "I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Truth is mighty and will prevail. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. Take The Responsibility To Change It”, “Power attracts the corruptible. "People shouldn’t be afraid of their government. "Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. My software never has bugs. To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are. I miss the days when FarmVille updates were the most offensive thing you could post on Facebook. Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. They are refilling the snack vending machine. Got a solid 8 hours of worrying last night. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud. A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool. ", "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?". ", "The police belongs to the people and the people belong to the police. An optimist believes that we live in the best world. There is a certain freedom in having nothing left to lose. Accidents in cars cause people. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Most people exist, that is all. I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife’s Bra.